I know many of you will think my question to be obvious, or foolish- I would probobly have been the first one to say “move on”, how I got to this point and to be this confused is scary considering I know alot about Psychology and was a counselor yet SOMEHOW I slipped into a bad relationship. Together 7 years, I convinced my “fiance” to stop drinking (alcoholic style) but now he wants pain pills and xanax (says he needs them to live with me) and I am being treated poorly. I am yelled at and insulted when I will not ask or take them from someone. I am told I am too controlling and recently after 2 yrs. he was urged to drink at a wedding and flirted/hung over other girls. He even paid more attention to them. His family thought he was being ridiculous b/c they say I am a “great catch”. His brother and others all have crushes on me, but I am loyal and never cheat! Yesterday he called me “disgusting to look at”. I am recently unemployed due to serious depression. Not bragging, but I am very attractive (was once on TV etc) so when angry he attacks my appearance and laziness. I could not take pills from my dad for him and he was so mad, and said “Im done helping U, I dont love u, I hate u, get off of ur fat ass (I am 5ft4, size 4-6 )”you disgust me sitting there”, ‘u r getting old and wrinkly “(am 36 BUT ppl. think I am 26 or less,honestly, I work hard to have nice skin, and fear age since that was all I had. I may have a minor wrinkle here and there though. (?) I admit recently I sit in one spot alone in an attic away from people for days. I feel ill and rarely eat. I am trying hard to do better though, but need help, but can’t afford it. His calling me those names does not inspire me though. I used to be strong, what the heck happened to me? I want it to work and my family even lends us money and lets us be late with our rent, which since is my moms place- only have to pay under $400.00 month all utils/cable/internet included. 7 yrs. is a long time together. He does help me with bills, finance until I get better and find a job or end up on disability. I am in debt,and asking mom/dad for help makes me feel worthless, he does not understand that. Like tonight, after calling me those awful names, wants me to borrow moms car to pick him up at 2am from work. Should I? I said “after what you said? ok fine, but this will be my last favor though” he called back angry and said “fine- f you and forget it I will walk”-he once called me “useless” years ago, when I WAS doing well, ’cause I swept the floor too slow. I know how I sound- but he somehow turns it where I end up feeling the bad guy and guilty for saying “maybe u should leave then”. He will make me the bad guy somehow. “So, you are throwing me out?”! and I feel guilty to do it despite him dumping me! Where is my spine and brain? I know I am not the greatest person to live with, but am depressed more now than ever. Anyone know what I am going through? I know he has issues stemming from childhood etc. but how much should I accept?Plus I am kinda old to start all over (36), even if I do look 25 years old, I have no career (am a washed up actress/model). I used to be rather confident of my intellect and have a huge heart. I am too loyal for my own good I think. I have lost contact with friends, no one else to ask,,,I know, I sound like a loser but any help would be welcome (no jokes/insults pls. I heard em all already).
FYI-
My car is still broke down, he has a nice car. He won’t share a bank acct. with me etc..like we are separte and he impulse buys when we are strapped for money-like a thousand dollar bike. Then wonders why I feel this is not marriage material. Is that normal?